[attach]5630[/attach] Tuning In—Or Being Tuned Out
插手——还是放手
Post published by John T. Chirban Ph.D, Th.D. on Mar 25, 2015 in Age of Un-Innocence
我们回应孩子们的选择时一定要小心谨慎。
The things that attract them can be driven by outside influences and also can convey a great deal about their desires, needs, and personality.
吸引他们的事物会受外界影响，同时也能大量地传达出他们的欲望、需要和个性。
So, they understandably interpret our critical reactions of their choices as criticism of them.
我们得知他们的选择时会做有应激反应，他们理所当然地将我们反对的行为理解为对他们自身的批评。
Rather than reacting, it was much more important to tune in to his excitement.
比起你的反应，融入他的兴奋更加重要。
我们买面具，最后我完全投入到一个10岁男孩追求做一个不给糖果就捣蛋的“恶鬼”的旅程中。
Embracing the choices that genuinely attract our kids shows that we respect them, their process, and their decisions.
孩子们选择真正吸引他们的事物，对他们的选择我们要表现出尊重他们，尊重他们选择的过程，以及尊重他们选择的结果。
Most decisions are rarely crossroads and life determinants; they are daily explorations, investigations, and great learning opportunities:
大多数的选择很少会涉及到人生的十字路口或影响人生的决定性因素；这些选择都是对生活的探索，对生活的调查，是非常好的学习机会：
也许你的孩子会为他的十一岁尝试一个新发型；也许你17岁的儿子会考虑炫耀他的小胡子。
Openness to considerations on our part does not convey, “Anything goes;” it provides a message that we support them and their discovery!
作为家长，我们对孩子们保持着开放的态度并不意味着“放任不管”，而是这样的态度能传达我们支持他们，也支持他们的发现。
So, when we start to say no, we need to stop and think about our reaction.
所以，当我们想要说不的时候，我们必须停下来，并且思考我们的反应。
When our children’s choices are shortsighted, let alone dangerous, it’s essential to provide sound direction and clarity that focuses on our children’s best interest.
当孩子做出目光短浅的选择时，更不用说做出有危险的选择，我们都有必要提供正确的方向和清晰的原则，将目光集中在孩子们最好的兴趣上。
This requires establishing a setting for listening on both sides: listening to their plan and their reciprocal listening to hear you.
这就需要建立一个彼此倾听的环境氛围：倾听他们的计划，也让他们听取你的意见。
In such instances, remain calm, engage genuine exchange, discuss consequences, raise questions, and explain your position.
遇到这样的情况，要保持冷静，真诚地交换意见，讨论后果，提出问题，并且解释你的观点。
这个时候也许你会行使你的最终决定权。
If so, this action best includes a plan designed to have both of you on the same side, accessing mutual respect and love—the basis of a healthy relationship.
如果是这样的话，这种行为最好包括一个计划，这个计划对你们双方都要一视同仁，获得彼此的尊重和爱——这是一个健康关系的基础。
成功地参与孩子们的生活，就是让我们支持他们的愿望，保留父母的终极权利来处理罕见的特殊情况。许多因素会驱使孩子们做决定——从父母的抉择到社会标准和性别评定标准。Their choices are stepping stones that build their character. 他们的选择是塑造他们性格的基石。通过接受他们的观点，与他们沟通来了解孩子们今天做出的选择，我们为锻炼他们的独立谈判能力、负责任地判断能力奠定了基础，未来我们也能全身心的信任和理解他们的行为。
